This is a really hard post for me to write. Some of you that know me in the real world know that I suffer from anxiety. This has been an ongoing thing for most of my life. I always think that I am going to get fired from job. Every day that I go to work, I think that it will be my last day there. If Josh is running late coming home from work, I think that he is dead on the side of the road. I don't ever want to spend money because I worry that we will be broke. I don't really have a lot of friends, or any at all, because I don't really think that I can handle them in a social situation. I worry so much before the event that I just don't even want to go. We have even booked a trip to New York City two years ago, but I canceled at the last minute because I didn't feel like I would be in my comfort zone there. Some of these complaints may seem semi-normal (maybe?) Everybody worries, right?
Up until now I have felt like I could manage my anxiety. Well, my worries have been so magnified lately that it seems like all I do is cry. I really felt like I needed help, the professional kind. So today I made an appointment with my primary care physician. As of today, I am a pill popping Paxil takin' momma. I'm not exactly proud of this, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I just want to feel normal. Hopefully Paxil combined with therapy will put me on the right track and more of my posts will be about the socially engaging activities that I partake in. Paxil is not a drug that I have to take for life. I will be reevaluated in a year or so to see if I need to take it anymore. I really do feel like there is a solution and this is the first time I have felt like I can exhale.
4 comments:
this was a brave and honest post... wow. bless your heart... I understand the worries, to a degree...
any friends at all? try as you will my dear, I am with you like a bad rash. Have no shame in narcotic induced sanity, we have all been there, or just me..I am glad to see you have taken control and done something for yourself. Remember, me and the rats/every other critter are here. You were the best employee ever, you made me realize i am not alone in my thinking or attitude. Our therapy was our talks i think, just to know others went through this shit too..
"we all go a little crazy"-Norman Bates"
dont get too sane though..im holding you to our promise 40 years from now, neighbors..crazy pug/rat ladies, screaming at nothing and everything.
I know you meant 'real life' friends but as for bloggy friends you can certainly count me!!! My sister suffers from this as well - you'll make it through.
Welcome to the Anxiety Club. I also suffered with uncontrollable, unjustified worry and social anxiety for decades. I take meds daily to help me keep these feelings under control and have found that I am now the person I always dreamed of being. Not because of the meds but because I got and get help on a regular basis. Give yourself a big pat on the back for doing the hardest thing in the world- taking control. I wish you luck and love.
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